Creatures of habit

We really are creatures of habit! It's so frustrating to know what's best and then continue to do the opposite - right now my battle is with building better habits for food, and health, and getting rid of the bad ones. Sugar is my weakness! I was a candy junkie for so long, and still there is emotion attached to a junk binge when I'm feeling low. Of course I know that the sugar just makes me feel worse - why do I eat it? Erg.

It's hard because I am in the in-between time between school and job. Once I get settled in my "New Life" so to say, things will be better. For some reason I eat such awful food when I am home. The habit has been instilled: sit, eat, veg.

Going through some old things yesterday, I found some of my old journals from high school. I was tempted to destroy all evidence and burn them from sight, haha! But instead I put them back in the shoebox, under the bed.

Reading my journal from grade 12 was an eye-opener - back from when I first got sick. Mad tests, feeling awful, constant pain, not knowing what was wrong or how I could feel better. That first year ill was a year without dancing. I swore I would never forget how it felt, but really the body is so incredible, right now I can imagine that all those experiences were just a dream! It's important to think about it though. And that past should be the motivation for getting better, building positive habits. I wonder how my experience would have been if I would have taken a better approach to health back then?

But then again, telling a depressed 17 year old that green vegetables really can change her life might not have had much of an impact! Better late than never I would suppose. :)

Fibre Arts

I've been thinking a lot about fibre arts lately. Quilting and quilt-arting and embroidery and basically just making pretty things with lovely textures that I want you to hold and touch.

Where paintings are glances from across the room, fibre arts seem like hugs.

One Week of School Left.

One week of school left means it will be soon time for Other Things.

I have no idea what they'll be, but I am looking forward to finding out.

I'm fairly sure I want to explore some of my senses a bit more. The past six years have felt like I'd just been looking at the world, learning about it and trying to decide when and how and whether or not I would like to take part.

Oddly enough, I do.

So I'd like to feel and taste the world a bit more, for starters. This Summer is going to involve more food, gardening, and craftiness. I want to pick up my embroidery again, and also get a bit friendlier with the sewing machine I recieved for Christmas. I want to make more cloth monsters and perhaps try quilting.

We'll see. I have no definite plans. :)

I keep this space.

I keep this space, because it strikes me that eventually I might have something that I really wish to express. But still I'm never sure.

I'm tired of divisions: between online and off, play and work, spirit and self.

Part of me wants to unite everything, but the jumble of my mind which would explode throughout my flesh and electronic life would be messy to contain! Something has to give, though. We'll see.

In the meantime I change my mind. I might just delete this space, forget that it exists, because did it ever, really?

"If you give someone not very creative a job running a creative department, what's the first thing he will do? Take out anything that's creative and unique. Not because he is responsible or a good business person, but because conservative people in charge fear talent and imagination.

To them we are witches that need to be bound up and squeezed just hard enough to let a tiny bit of magic ooze out...but not toooo much or all the screaming demons of fun and imagination and joy will come charging out to destroy them!" -- John Kricfalusi

Can I express my love for John K? I'm not sure the words can come out properly. I'd let him have a glimpse of my screaming demons of fun an imagination, though, if he were to be interested.

http://johnkstuff.blogspot.com


Also: On Sunday night a fire exploded at me! I forgot to mention it before because truthfully the memory does not register as completely real. I should say, however, that if in the future you are ever planning to build a fire on a slab of concrete, that you make very sure that said concrete is free of internal moisture. If you don't, the moisture might heat up and then build pressure, and subsequently explode fire at you while you're hazily drinking some rum and coke and looking at the stars. I'm actually quite surprised at my split-second reaction time. There's nothing like hot coals, flames and firewood flying at you to make a person jump up quickly. I am happy to say that no one was hurt, though it makes a great story! I'm not sorry it happened, this summer has been way too dull.

Why, hello there.

So this is the part where I explain again how I am "back". How I am going to try for another round at writing things which are interesting yet not embarassing really, clever enough but not self-absorbed hopefully. I'm tired of secrets but I don't want to tell any, so this is what you get.

I went to my parents' basement in hopes of unearthing my high school yearbooks. A dubious goal to be sure, seeing as how my possessions are bundled away in the midst of a great tower of boxes and items in one end of the basement. I was not successful, though I did find my junior high school yearbooks. The thrill was absent from this discovery because that was not the age bracket I was hoping for. Grade 9 picture write-ups appeared to me the most confusing bits of meaningless expression: CB + HL = TLA ; always remember pink doritos!! ; never change ; do you eat mittens? ; and the like. My most treasured portion of my grade 9 yearbook is the part on the inside back cover where Mr. B Wilson wrote: "Keep the weirdness, it looks good on you." I suppose you might have to know me a bit better than one post's worth to realise that it remains one of my most favoured compliments.

But anyway. The grade 9 yearbook remains in its carboard tomb, and the high school equivalent remains MIA. All I came away with was my old copy of Cohen's Beautiful Losers. Somehow that seems fitting, though in title only I guess. I haven't read the book in quite some time, I think I might do so again.

Also: On Saturday I unearthed my guitar. I hadn't played since arthritis forced me to stop 7 years ago. Typically I can't remember anything I used to know except for (inexplicably) the chords from Pearl Jam's "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town" and a bit of an old Jewel song. Instead of re-teaching myself "The Basics" as it were, I am just making sounds and considering them nameless. It's quite nice, actually. Making nameless sounds.

happily

Running, I'll explode
Ten million times into that many pieces
Join the stars or burrow far into grass
My shards will pierce it all